It's Opening Night!

I'm so freaked out. Dress rehearsal went really well, and I'm worried that could mean a jinx on tonight. I had a coffee this morning. I'm so wired, and my stomach feels like it is full of buzzing bees. What if I get out there in front of the audience and just choke, freeze, stare at them? It's been a long, long time since I was actually on stage. And if that weren't enough, it's Friday the 13th.

So to calm my nerves, I've arranged for a pep talk from legendary stage actor Sarah Bernhardt (speaking through a medium).

"There is no reason to think that, because your theatrical talent blossoms later in life, it is to be doubted or ignored. When I studied at the French Conservataire, I was considered an unpromising student and left after two years. My first two engagements in French theater ended in ignominy. First I slapped a fellow actress, and then I played a role beneath my dignity that ended in scathing reviews. But I persevered, never losing sight of my passion for the theater! I knew that I would create legendary stage portrayals! Leave the world salivating for more! I would lie in my coffin then (because drama doesn't lie in a bed) and dedicate myself to the perfection of my art. And then I would rise up, out of my coffin, and be reborn in the glow of the footlights. Just as tonight, I will rise up out of my coffin and go with you. Tonight, you harness the power of the greatest actress to ever live! Your portrayl of a minor-to-the-point-of-insignificant Shakespearean clown will be immortal!"

[Bad Actress runs out the door, ready to knock them dead.]

"Of course the only trait I possessed more remarkable than my acting ability was my ability to lie through my teeth."