Oops

Everyone has bad audtions. Everyone. Just like every athlete has a bad game, every singer has a bad performance, every cubicle person has … a bad Powerpoint? Sure, that sounds right. Just like all those other people who have less-than-great days, actors have those, too. However, it is to be hoped those bad days do not coincide with the big regional auditions. But sometimes, they do.

But before we get onto the stage, allow me to set the scene. You enter a theater lobby, and check in at a table. They direct you to one of two warm-up rooms: the Loud Room, and the Quiet Room. Because the Loud Room would exceed your Recommended Daily Allowance of Dramatic Wankery, you go to the Quiet Room. True to form, it is quiet. Dead silent, in fact, dimly lit, with black walls and everyone staring at the ground while slumped on folding chairs, like some grim hospital waiting room. Every so often a man in a vest with a clipboard circles in and calls a name from his list, waits for someone to stand, and then motions the person to come along with him. Then they trudge off, looking doomed, and you never see them again. Meanwhile, you faintly hear shrieking and bellowing and banging on the walls coming from the Loud Room.

So, the situation leaves you wondering if you've wandered unaware into Terry Gilliam's BRAZIL or a Harold Pinter production. It's a little disconcerting. But this is where the truly great rise to the challenge, use any adversity to fuel their triumph, the John Williams score cuts in–

That's what happens to some people. Some people– no fair guessing who– bumble blinking into the stage lights, introduce themselves and their monologues, and realize about fifteen seconds into the first one that they are completely on autopilot, which leads them to focus on disciplining their unruly mind on feeling the words, rather than just reciting them, which in turn results in their slowing down and being cut off by the timekeeper on the last sentence of the second monologue. And then they're so embarrassed that they leave the block they were sitting on for the second monologue sitting in the middle of the stage instead of putting it back where it belongs.

Oh, that block. Of all my regrets in life, that block might be the worst. It's one thing to be a Bad Actress; it's another thing to be a Bad Person who doesn't clean up after themselves.

More big auditions coming this week, which I'm sure will bring about new and exciting levels of ARGH.